Another disgruntled son-in-law... I've seen it all before. There you are, sitting in your living room. Feet up. Cold beer by your side. Wife happy as a clam 'cause you're her man. You're the king of your castle and you're sitting on your throne.
Then suddenly, there's a knock on the door... and suddenly you become the most slovenly, almost-alcoholic, illiterate slob that ever walked the face of the earth. Enter... the mother-in-law... and bringing up the rear... the father-in-law... who walks in like he owns the place!!
The mother in law comes in... she compliments your use of color in the living room and you try to ignore the fact that she compares your choices to something short of the color of dirt. She looks around and asks if your vacuum cleaner is broken. Then she saunters into the kitchen and demands to know why the glasses aren't in the cabinet next to the dishwasher where she put them the last time she was over. Then she mentions how nice you look and she insists can barely notice the few extra pounds that you've put on. In fact, those pounds make you look more manly and maybe even a little older. She is insulted that you don't see that as a compliment.
Meanwhile, back in the living room... your father in law mentions the name of a great landscaper that has a mowing service. You seems disinterested so he feels the need to mention it again. He tells you how back in the day, people mowed their lawns religiously. A manicured lawn was a sign of pride of ownership. You think how much fun it would be to gouge his eyes out with a rake. His beer is empty now and he looks at you like you're a criminal. You refuse to get him another one for fear he'll stay longer. He's quiet as he watches all the TV commercials, but talks during the game sprawled out on your throne... er, uh... sofa where just 10 minutes ago... you were very comfortable. Now it is inhabited by a cruel and vicious alien creature.
Your wife has seen none of this... she's been in the bedroom getting dressed. She emerges with smiles and hugs for them then with a crooked smile, tells you to take your feet off the coffee table and get dad another beer.
So... what to do... what to do? You can't kill them. That's a given. Well, you could but you're wife wouldnt like it and people tend to get funny about that. So I suggest making them crazy... after all... it's your house!!
Here's some ideas...
1) Eat beans before they come over... a lot of beans... announce openly that you've eaten a lot of beans. Announce it but not necessarily... vocally.
2) Surprise visit? No time for advanced bean eating planning? Just burp a lot... and loudly... then groan and say "Oh Boy... I don't remember eatin' that!" Then laugh really loud and obnoxious like.
3) Grab your wife's ass a lot and say... "Hey Baby... lets get rid of the geriatrics and get busy!!" right in front of her father.
4) Scratch yourself and walk around in your underwear.
5) Tell them about your idea of quitting your job and opening a Swedish massage parlor in Queens, NY. You've already found a place to rent but there's still the question of selling the house to finance your plan.
6) Chew with your mouth open.
7) Pick your nose... examine it and flick it across the room. Make sure your MIL see that... that'll go over really big.
8) Talk about how great your ex-girlfriends parents were and how much you loved them.
In other words... do anything and everything socially unacceptable to make them absolutely nuts. Guaranteed to lower their visits by at least 50%!!
Thanks for visiting Ask Platzki!! Come again!! (With any luck, your in-laws won't)...
Platzki
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