Joke of The Day....

[2boysandtoys]

The Widow at a Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's  station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got  caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will  talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called  up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow  at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."


"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[chiquita]

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

[2boysandtoys]

I worked with some folks like 'Bob'.....great one!!! 

[QUILT]

 

[2boysandtoys]

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

 

[chiquita]

 

[chiquita]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

[The Tavern Wench]

 

[2boysandtoys]

 

[2boysandtoys]

At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is; Flowers."

"That's right!" the boy said, "but, how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher replied.

The next student was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets."

"That's right said the little girl, but how did you know?"

"Oh, I've been around for many years," said the teacher proudly.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package, but it was leaking so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test.

"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.

"NOPE," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"NO MAM," he replied, with even more excitement!

The teacher with all her knowledge finally took one more big taste before admitting, "I give up. What is it?"

With an giant grin the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It's a puppy!"

 

[QUILT]

 

[chiquita]

10 Reasons Computers Must Be Males

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

[2boysandtoys]

 

Oh....so true!!! 

[2boysandtoys]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

 

[2boysandtoys]

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"

Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."