Joke of The Day....

[QUILT]

 

[chiquita]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one fresh enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Don't you have fresh turkeys?" The stock boy answered, "But they are all dead. Now how can I make them take a bath?"
  

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

 

 

[2boysandtoys]

 

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye!

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?"

The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm."

"What," asked the old man?

Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”

Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"

 

[QUILT]

 I wish I hadn't of read that.......  

[2boysandtoys]

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.

When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.

 

[The Tavern Wench]

  that one hurt 

[2boysandtoys]

Bill, Jim, & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!" 

[QUILT]

 

[chiquita]

How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

It's a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.

 

[2boysandtoys]

  - I need that!!!

[QUILT]

 

[kevinatgrannys]

Here's one that I got years ago from some "parrot parents"...

HOW TO STUFF YOUR PARROT ON THANKSGIVING

Ingredients:
Turkey
Stuffing
Sweet Potatoes
Mashed Potatoes with Gravy
Green Beans
Cranberry Sauce
Hot rolls and Butter
Relish tray
Pumpkin Pie with Whipped Cream
Hot Coffee

Get up early in the morning and have a cup of coffee. It's going to be a long day, so place your Parrot on a perch nearby to keep you company while you prepare the meal.

Remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.

Prepare stuffing, and remove Parrot from edge of stuffing bowl and return him to perch.

Stuff turkey and place it in the roasting pan, and remove Parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch. Have another cup of coffee to steady your nerves.

Remove Parrot's head from turkey cavity and return him to perch, and re-stuff the turkey.

Prepare relish tray, and remember to make twice as much so that you'll have a regular size serving after the Parrot has eaten his fill. Remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.

Prepare cranberry sauce. Discard berries accidentally flung to the floor by Parrot.

Peel potatoes, remove Parrot from edge of potato bowl and return him to perch.

Arrange sweet potatoes in a pan, cover with brown sugar and mini marshmallows. Remove Parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch. Replace missing marshmallows.

Brew another pot of coffee. While it is brewing, clean up the torn filter. Pry coffee bean from Parrot beak. Have another cup of coffee and remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.

When time to serve the meal:
Place roasted turkey on a large platter, and cover beak marks with strategically placed sprigs of parsley.

Put mashed potatoes into serving bowl. Re-whip at last minute to conceal beak marks and claw prints.

Place pan of sweet potatoes on sideboard. Forget presentation as there's no way to hide the areas of missing marshmallows.

Put rolls in decorative basket. Remove Parrot from side of basket and return him to perch.

Remove beaked rolls and serve what's left.

Set a stick of butter out on the counter to soften. Think better of that action and return it to the refrigerator.

Wipe down counter to remove mashed potato claw tracks. Remove Parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.

Cut the pie into serving slices. Wipe whipped cream off Parrot's beak and place large dollops of remaining whipped cream on pie slices.

Whole slices are then served to guests. Beaked-out portions should be reserved for host and hostess.

Place Parrot inside cage and lock the door.

Sit down to a nice relaxing dinner with your family, accompanied by plaintive cries of "WANT DINNER!" from the other room.

[2boysandtoys]

  - Love it Kevin!!!

Q: If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
A: It simply wants to run away.

Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kins.

Q: What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
A: If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

 

[2boysandtoys]

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The new mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be in trouble if he needed glasses!"

 

[chiquita]

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."