Joke of The Day....

[2boysandtoys]

 

Do ya think these applicants were blond?   

[The Tavern Wench]

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

Hey they found my EX's Resume 

[2boysandtoys]

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

Hey they found my EX's Resume 

[chiquita]

Coffee Addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if

-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-You sleep with your eyes open.

-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

-You chew on other people's fingernails.

-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.

-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-You can jump-start your car without cables.

-You don't sweat, you percolate.

-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

[kevinatgrannys]

Somebody been peaking...  

[2boysandtoys]

     Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

 

[2boysandtoys]

Learning the ABCs

There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!"

He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The brother, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!"

The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." 

The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah."  In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."

 

[kevinatgrannys]

And there you have it folks...a snap shot of my childhood!    
 

[The Tavern Wench]

 

[2boysandtoys]

And there you have it folks...a snap shot of my childhood!    
 

  to ya Kevin.....

[2boysandtoys]

A mother is reading a book to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little 3 year-old looks up at her mother and in her deepest voice replies, "Bud."

 

[The Tavern Wench]

 

[chiquita]

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 

[2boysandtoys]

  - I'm laughing so hard, tears are running down my cheeks!!! 

[kevinatgrannys]

I think I have seen a few of those come from some of my past renters...