Joke of The Day....

[chiquita]

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 

[QUILT]

 

[copperpenny22]

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial Pipe and eying two U.S. Government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," stated one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." 

copperpenny22

 

[The Tavern Wench]

  good one!

[2boysandtoys]

So glad to see jokes and laughter continued - great ones above me!!!  I needed a chuckle so stopped by and glad I did!!! 

Here's a few to brighten your evening:

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for
the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
kids were nothing to look at either.

Enuf Said!!! 

[2boysandtoys]

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...

"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
   
 

[The Tavern Wench]

    Little Johnny always cracks me up!



Satan Goes To Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their
lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man,
who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a
bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I
am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

    

[2boysandtoys]

I think I'm married to his bro -  !!

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.


 

[copperpenny22]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother
was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good argum ents that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still
work to be done. 

copperpenny22
 

[The Tavern Wench]

 

[2boysandtoys]

Penny - that's priceless ---- and too darn true - eh?   

[2boysandtoys]

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT --
 
UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT








One Sign You're Driving Too Fast........



This one is destined to become a classic.
If this doesn't make you laugh or at least smile ...
you need to think seriously about getting professional assistance.
So Have fun and share it with a friend who needs a smile.

Priceless - 

 

[The Pet Guy]

Did you hear what the Doctor told his bulimic patient that talked to loud?


Keep it down.

[The Tavern Wench]

OMG Erin that pic is too funny!
 

[2boysandtoys]

We need a break....................so here ya go!!!

A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.

She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."

By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.

At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.

She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"

Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.

A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?"

He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"

She had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.

"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."

He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."



She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"