VINEWOOD'S LAUGHS

[vinewood]

   Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

[chiquita]

I want chocolate
 

[vinewood]

I want chocolate
 

   here  u go 

[chiquita]

Thanks vinewood
 

[vinewood]

   cups  down   1st


 I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.'

[vinewood]

  the  blonde joke of the day

  A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces in to anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed...............

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."   

[vinewood]

!!!  all cups down !!!


   Al Gore, Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first.

''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was
your will that I did not serve.  And I've come to understand that now.'

God thinks for a second and says: "Very good.  Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill.  "Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness.  I've sinned, but I've never
held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held
against me.''

God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son.  Come and
sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Hillary.  "Hillary, what do you believe in?''

She replies: "I believe you're in my chair. 

[vinewood]

     This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her Life.  He
finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list
of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.  As the young doctor
was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a
prescription for birth control pills.



   "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

   "Yes, they help me sleep at night."

   "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possibly help you sleep."



   She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.  "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that
my 16 year old granddaughter drinks....................and believe me, it helps
me sleep at night."

   You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas..........God Love Them

[vinewood]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in To confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba
With them two assholes.

[vinewood]

THE DUCK THE LAWYER AND THE FARMER

    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa .
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on

his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and

now I'm going to retrieve it."
     
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the

United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you
own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we

settle disputes in Iowa . We settle small disagreements like
this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

"The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" 
     
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first... I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the attorney.  His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his
knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and
very slowly managed to get to his feet.  Wiping his face with the arm of
his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart... Now it's my turn."


(I love this part)
     

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up... You can have the
duck."
 
 

[vinewood]

Morris and his wife Ethel went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Ethel always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Ethel and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Ethel,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance." Ethel replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars
-- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars". The pilot overheard the couple
and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a
ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I
won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty
dollars."

Morris and Ethel agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well,
to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but
you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

 

[The Tavern Wench]

 

[farvelcargo]

 

 

[2boysandtoys]

 

[vinewood]

BJ

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them
logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).