VINEWOOD'S LAUGHS

[QUILT]

 

[The Tavern Wench]

  good one Wes 

[vinewood]

  THIS IS THE TRUTH ::

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in- bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge

[2boysandtoys]

  lol5Great One WES!!!! And....the sad part - it is prolly true!!

[QUILT]

When do we sail? 

[2boysandtoys]

I think we need to tack our life-long cruise after we go spend a weekend on bays houseboat....So - the plan is - next summer!!!  I would love to vacate NOW!!! 

[vinewood]

    erin  cup  down  !!!!


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[vinewood]

   Only 51 years ago!
Comments made in the year 1955..

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."


"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."


"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"


"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."


"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."


"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."


I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."


"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."


"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."


"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."


"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."


"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."


"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."


"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."


"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."


"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."


"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."


"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut,
forget it."
 

[2boysandtoys]

 

[The Tavern Wench]

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

I said I was going to quit when they got to $1.00 a pack.